i’m really tired- exhausted, even – of hearing about how settling is “life.” not angry or rebellious, just sad. sad that most people seem to be convinced that this is ok and to be expected. no! it’s not! life is what you make it. i’m not naive; i’m not a stupid idealist. i just know that one is as happy as they allow themselves to be and that yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. since when is it taboo to be totally satisfied, even if you don’t have a “good” job or a “nice” car, or *gasp* if you’re single? it’s not to say that having a good job wouldn’t be good also, but it’s not necessarily better! and the sad truth is that married couples don’t have it easy either; sure it’s different, but if something significant is lacking, that’s not better either.
so i advocate coming to peace with one’s situation, and being open to change. i advocate dreaming. i advocate unconditionally loving and supporting your friends and family. i swear to you: the world will be a better place.
oh mayn. this officially makes me a horrible person. sometimes on my commute (2 hrs, baby) i see people i know. happens. that’s cool. chat, etc. but sometimes i’m not in much a talkative mood and the other person is, like today. this particular hijabi i am not so much a fan of, and there was a time when i saw her like everyday. today i saw her after a long time (months), and surprise surprise she wants to chat. and got married recently (congrats annoying hijabi!). and told me to text her my email address.
crap.
because that’s when i realized i didn’t remember her name. so i asked how to spell her last name, hoping i could remember and feign using that to look it up in my phone. lucky for me i got a new phone recently, so i told her that and got her number. then i had to ask the spelling of her first name, too, so i could put it in.
crap.
because that’s when i realized i never even KNEW her name. i mean she definitely knew mine, but i guess i just never asked hers.
but i mean. it’s a commute, not new bff bonding time. so chill out world- i’m bad with names. ok?!
time: time is fine. time is that nebulous creature, uncursable for its logic, always present, and a reminder for those who heed it. but timing! now that is something aggravating, always seeming to work against you, almost never working in your favor. on rare occasions it clicks for you, and one time out of a million you are suddenly in its favor. but timing is fickle, dormant, usually unpleased. nothing you do will wake it up. maybe next time.
it’s no good when you wake up with a migraine all ready to fast and then realizing your left temple is thirsty and absolutely disagrees with you, you idiot who musta ate some kinda trigger last night AND forgot to drink water. so you break your fast and DO drink water, and have a twix bar at work to make it through the day? fine, two. gross. and realized the migraine just downgraded to headache that STILL EXISTS. not helped by loving parents who tell you to shutup about your dreams and stay within your class, idiot, or you’ll end up on the streets. <-awesome.
alhamdulillah.
for the record though, this muslim girl will do the things she feels are good. not to make herself feel good, but because hey, whoa, she actually thinks there’s value in them. for like, greater society and stuff. and it’s ok that the discussion didn’t make it that far. maybe next time.
watching jacques pepin go at a turkey with julia child watching (and helping) is oddly refreshing. i think i’m a little more “game” than the average person when it comes to breaking down poultry. i mean, it’s kinda cool. a little mini animal who you get to maneuver on a cutting board, popping joints where necessary, slicing off skin and gristle, and arranging to eating perfection in a roasting pan eventually. and going from a highly dubious raw material all the way to fork- hopefully with gravy too; it’s nice. they’re making an almost thanksgiving dinner (out of season), if you care to know. and turkey dinners are one of my favorite things in the world to make- cranberries, stuffing, pumpkin- the lot. in more recent years i’ve been approaching the highly traditional american variety of doing things, and i think once i get close enough to that (perfection is out of the question when you fully intend on at least 2 turkeys and to feed around 30 people) i’ll start throwing in random touches. but something about turkey in fall is highly appropriate- beyond just the tradition, it’s the fall weather (approaching really really cold).
and here i am talking about it on ramadan eve! talk about not being ready for a month of fasting (actually, i think i am). i think a serious enthusiasm for good food does not detract from a willingness to abstain from it during daylight hours for a full lunar month. if anything, i’m finally looking forward to it. i’ve gone through my therapy (and a sirloin steak for dinner today), of first mourning, then reflecting on its heyday, and now looking forward to enjoying it more when i have it, and really just simplifying the equation. and now i think it’s safe to say that i’m ready for ramadan.
the islamic calendar is a lunar one- things start at dusk. so ramadan officially starts tomorrow at about 8:05pm. i’m pretty happy that it’s starting on a weekend, and while i can’t honestly say that i’m totally happy it’s starting (i could be more ready, but that’s just my fault), i am glad that things happen for a reason and that while i might not understand why, that it’ll eventually make sense. eventually.
i have my one thing i’m working towards this ramadan; it wasn’t hard to decide on. but am i going a la ascetic, swearing off music, facebook, etc.? not really. i encourage everyone to do what benefits their spirituality and helps them approach their true fitra. me, i’ve got my goals. i’m just simplifying my equation in the search for balance.
is it stupid that i want to take a vacation to go…write? not that i know what i want to write about (everything), or in what format (all..most).
need a place to stay though (yeah, home’s not cutting it).
(that’s right; it’s a dangling post. deal with it)
being overly critical of something often brings you very close to that very thing. so close that you start embodying it, changing. better? or worse? dc used to be my backdrop, but i’m thinking in it more and more. it’s not alarming, but it’s not entirely me. i’ve learned, now, to walk in crowds and ignore people around me. but tell me that’s not ridiculous. tell me that’s not a coping mechanism. there’s very little in the way of peace in city streets – spectacle, sure, but no sakina (tranquility). and for me, no rest. how does one keep the big picture in mind when there are a million and one little things to focus on?
i used to have too much time on my hands. and now, barely enough to think with.
my good friend got married yesterday, to an equally good guy. one of those this-is-really-happening-ponder-each-moment type days that last foreeever and exhaust you but which you wouldn’t have any other way. well, you might have liked to be able to see the flower girls (teeny things) so that you didn’t start the music 5 seconds too early, but you know what i mean – the important stuff. but my favorite part was when i was alone (go figure; i am what i am), after the cadre stood outside the hotel doors with sparklers in hand trying (successfully, thank God) not to light people on fire, and to give a loud sendoff to the happy couple, when i was driving past the hotel on the main road 10 minutes later and i caught the distinct smell of fireworks (a la sparklers) with a couple of my windows half open. i don’t yet have some thoughtful analogy for this moment, but it definitely made me cheese.
and i’m hoping some awesome picture makes its way to facebook so i can illustrate as much. one thing i don’t do (can’t bring myself to?) is hand my camera to someone else to take a picture of me. like, hey, i already know what i look like. don’t need the proof. i did manage to jump in, towards the very end, for a solo picture with deej (not that easy in crowds of hyderabadis and iranians, trust me), effectively making mohsin step awkwardly to the side to get out of it (the groom’s just an accessory any way- even the good ones!), so that means i win. hahah, kidding, obviously (thanks mohsin). but that’s a picture i definitely want, even if i look like crap bc i specifically told the photographer (who by this time wanted to sink into the ground) to take just a couple shots max. oh, the ways in which i make my life harder.
so i’m down and out a friend, and couldn’t be happier for her (oh and him too). :P
(by ‘kings of leon’)
it’s interesting how unfulfilling so many experiences can be. and while one certainly can’t ‘complain’ about life, there’s much to be desired. i’m certain it’s a symptom much less of the circumstance and much moreso of the soul, but still. an individual can only exist as such for so long.
